New definitions

10 WORDS THAT DON'T EXIST, BUT SHOULD

1. AQUADEXTROUS
(ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION
(kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT
(dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (candy) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS
(el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST
(frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION
(lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER
(peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS
(pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION
(tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Found these on the net, I think I'll teach them to my kids one day.

Facing my fears.

(This post is form last week, I was wanting to upload some pictures with it, but my computer is on the brink of euthanasia, I might just have to do it after.)

Well, my worst fear has finally come true. Luckily, it was nothing like I had imagined.

I had had some work done on my bike on Friday before leaving for the Sunflower Ranch. During the week, I had noticed that one of the front forks on my bike was lactating, some white milky fluid was coming from the seal when I pumped the shocks. So, I replaced my front shocks before we went to Tainan.

Monday, my motorbike had a slight vibration in the handlebars, I was going to take it back to my mechanic later. Tuesday morning, it was worse. Tuesday afternoon, I left for work downtown and after two blocks, it was nutty, I pulled over to examine my bike. I think I know enough about cars and stuff to give it a good look and maybe figure out the problem... thanks Dad. So, I check the shocks, the gaps around my wheel, the bearings, the brakes, the handle bars, I twist every nut and bolt to see if it's loose, nope, everything's just fine...
... it took me a second to notice the big bulge laying on the street, my front tire was quite flat. I rode my bike the two blocks home and jumped onto my scooter, I would have walked it, but I was in a rush and also knew I would have to ride my slower, inferior scooter all the way downtown.
I walked my bike to the shop later in the evening and bought a new innertube.

Riding my bike gives me some time to think and possibly even comprehend various aspects of my life. As I do this, I often wonder what would happen if my front wheel simply just fell off. Would my forks jamb into the pavement and pole vault me straight into the back of the musical garbage truck? Where would I go? Where would my bike go? Which would land on top? Could I actually leap free of my iron horse as the last split second? In a car, it's not really a big deal to lose a wheel, but on a bike, that's an instant unicycle.

I kind of wish my flat tire was more fantastic... then again... mudanity has it's benefits.



Next, my trip to Sunflowers at nowhere.

Well, we drove to Tainan, Candy and I, that is. I can make it to Tainan in about 25 minutes by myself. With Candy, it took an hour and was much less exciting and having cute little arms wrapped around you makes it just a little bit more comfortable...

I had to do things like stop at red lights... and wait for them to turn green, leave more than an inch of clearance between myself and other vehicles, and drive at subsonic speeds. Candy has this thing about breaking the sound barrier on motorbikes... she prefers not to. That's ok, I understand and I can still drive at reasonable speeds. Next trip might be a little slower as I had asked my mechanic to fix my speedometer so that I didn't have to lean forward to read my odometer... now, the way it's angled, I'm sure my speed is quite readable from the back seat. I may just have to break it again if the problem should arise. We had a good trip, but sitting in the same spot for two hours is kind of a pain in the ass.

The hotel thingy was great. It was a guest house in the middle of absolutely nowhere, a rarity in Taiwan. It only had one bedroom, with a fantastic ceiling, comfy bed and all the fixins. The shower was pretty sweet also. Looking out the windows, were fields of sunflowers and on the other side, grass, real grass. It was just a nice place to get away to, and everything was just right, there were fruit bowls around, fresh flowers everywhere and the hosts were very kind. He gave us some coolers and told us how to get to the beach for sunset and asked what time we would return so he could have the BBQ ready. A fantastic meal with him, his wife and their 14 year old daughter. We relaxed out on the patio with some beer and then went to bed. In the morning, we awoke to the smell of eggs, sausages and scones. Yummy, all with a fresh English newspaper and an even fresher glass of orange juice. We kind of just hung out till noon and then went to the sunflower fields to do some photography. Candy wanted to go to Salt mountain and I wanted to go to the oyster farms, but it was a little cloudy, so I decided to just go to the fantastic mountain of salt.

Yep, "Salt Mountain" was just 3 big lumps of salt about the sizes of Uncle Cal's quonsets. On the back, one of the sides was broken and it kind of looked like snow. Some people were trying to have a "snowball fight"... yeah, lets try to throw salt in each other's faces and see how it feels... only in Taiwan. Candy seemed to like it, I thought it was just a lot of dirty salt that someone decided to put up a billboard about... by the way, there's a "salt history museum" about half a kilometer away. Luckily, Candy just wanted to climb the salt mountain and really didn't care about how salt originated. She asked why I wasn't going shuttercrazy with my camera and I simply told her that it looked just like a big dirty lump of salt and really not that beautiful, answer accepted. Now that I think about it, it kind of looked like an old rotting snowbank that has little holes in it and has a thin layer of dirt on it, thickening at the bottom. Yep, just like a dirty snowbank, imagine the splendor of a 50 foot high, dirty snowbank!!!

"Salt Mountain" really didn't strike me with awe, but it did bring me light years closer to completely understanding my father. It was somewhat enjoyable, due to getting off the bike for 20 minutes, drinking some freshly squeezed orange juice, and did I mention that we were only there for 20 minutes!!!

We made a second stop on the way home. I went to a bed and breakfast with my girlfriend, and all I got from it were crabs. I wanted to stop at a fish market on the way home, so we stopped at the harbour (the one Jenn and I visited when we went to Tainan when I bought my motorbike). I wanted to buy some lobster for a BBQ to finish off the weekend with a zing. The lobster was beautiful... and about CAN$80... it was beautiful... but still... CAN$80. I bought two big pink crabs (2.4kg) a kg of huge crab claws and a kg of clams. The crabs crawled out of the bag and off of the scale when the lady was weighing them, then they crawled out of the bag when I was carrying them... I'm scared of crabs, I think. Then they crawled out of my motorcycle bag, even when I had put them in a second bag... I placed them into a third bag and that seemed to work. The clams were still opening and closing, so everything was fresh.

We got everything home and Jaco had come to help move Reg's bed from someones house to Reg's new place. We moved the bed and the lady asked in we needed plants as they had a whole terrace of them that were going in the trash tomorrow as they were moving to the U.S.A. We looted the place and put some stuff outside that wouldn't fit into Jaco's "Jeep." We went home and I started on the crabs and Jaco went to load up his jeep with some more plants to take to his place.

The crabs had escaped onto the kitchen counter, they had escaped from tied triple bags. Whatever, fresh is king. I boiled water and they wouldn't fit into the pots again. To kill crabs, you just drop 'em in boiling water. I asked Reg how he'd kill the crabs and he suggested, "I don't know, but ripping all the legs off, busting open the shell, going at it with the hammer and bioling and BBQing it should work." "You're hired." I said... or, I should have said, but I thought of it now. Anyways, I ripped his front legs off and threw him in the pot to kill him quickly... he tried to bite me with his mouth when I was pulling his arms off... I guess I would, too. Did I mention that I may be afraid of crabs? I don't think I'm afraid of much.

My newfound friends were absolutely delicious. Jaco was nice enough to help move Reg's bed, so I invited him to stay for a "smashing" good time. It involved the BBQ, and three of us sitting on Thai cushions on the livingroom floor with a heavy wooden cutting board, 4.5Kg of seafood, and a hammer. Vegetables, you ask? "Fruites de mere," is all I have to say. We were stuffed on crab, mmm..... P.S. Chopsticks make pretty good crab digger thingies. Due to the barbaric ritual of using a full sized hammer and block of wood to smash the little houses from our dinner, I was vacuuming newly found shell fragments a second time the next morning.

Oh, my computer is in need of some TLC. I need to sort it out, but I don't have enough storage space to make a backup, and burning countless DVDs sucks. I guess it's delete time and I shut down my downloading software for a bit.

Only 19 days till I get my annual family visit. I was feeling a little low about not going home for Christmas this year, but my uncle and cousin are coming to visit me soon!!! I'm pumped.

P.S. Nicole, you should start a blog now. Then people from home can keep updated on your misadventures.

P.P.S. I had written, "Boss to place" to write about, I have no idea what the heck that means. But, I guess things with my boss have been fantastic, he's bought me lunch, he stops by my class every day to talk to me (he doesn't speak English) and he wants me to take pictures of the kids and the school for some marketing... oh, and he joined my English class, the one where I teach all the Chinese staff English.

I'm dreaming of a Yellow Christmas.

So, it's a month to Christmas and it's beginning to feel not like Christmas. We are going to an Indian village north of Tainan called Bamboo bridge. There's a neat looking hotel in the middle of this huge field of Sunflowers... yes, sunflowers nearing December. By the way, it's 27.6C today... ABOVE zero, the "big cool" hasn't come yet. So, we are going to put in an hour on the bike and ride along the coast. Then we'll have a BBQ tonight and relax in our hotel room. I'm really looking excited for this, but it could be a bust, who cares?

Anyways, I miss home and can't wait for my uncle and cousin to come visit. Things are almost all ready, got beds, bikes, phones and cash. Well, it's noon, so time to fire it up.

Definitions

http://www.tomsjokes.com/en/pics/112737014221264.html

Eight Words with two Meanings
Posted @ 25. 9. 2005 08:22

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

Quick search

Found the rhythm... false alarm. Yep, the first 4 verses have a cool cheerleaderish rhythm and then the last two, have a classic poetic thing. That's your challenge, finding the tune. If not, I may post a sound byte on YouTube.

Poetic atrocity

Wow, I looked at the first bean poem I wrote... the long one. I swear I had a rhythm to it... can't seem to find it anymore, but it was a really good rhythm.

P.S. Rhythm is the longest English word that doesn't have a vowel.

Failing expectations.

Last night, I had Boston Baked Beans,
Some Mayo was spread in between,
Tasted alright,
Less with each bite,
Haagen Daas, with prailenes and cream!

Finally got the "brown beaner" done. No toaster oven, so I BBQed the bread... who needs a toaster oven? I mean... it's good for reheating pizza, I guess... but, what else? Whatever, the fuse blew on it a couple months ago, I opened it up to look for the fuse, none to be found. Took it to the garbage downstairs, the man digging for bottles asked if it was trash before I even set it down (Oy, I said "trash", ewe'd think me last school full o' 'Limey Blokes' 'ould 'ave 'ad some affects on me's English).

I watched James Bond 007 Casino Royale on Friday night with Candy. It was too noisy, it kept waking me up! I was so tired, I almost didn't go, but I thought an exciting movie could keep me awake... nope. Anyways, I saw a preview of it on TV and only recognized one scene in the preview... also, I don't even know who the bad guy is. Candy liked it though, I might go see it again.

P.S. I went out for a baguette last night for my sandwich... none to be had. So, the baker asked me what time I wanted my baguette. Ten pm was my response. How many? One, please. Only one? Yep. Ummm.... ok, I'll bake one for you at ten tomorrow. Pretty cool, huh? Now I have to go there whether I want one or not, huh? I think tonight, I'll have grilled Tuna... and the search for cheese in a lactose intolerant country begins.

Soaking up the life.

Well, I've been really busy. This is supposed to be a, "what's coming soon," post, but I feel a ramble sinking in.

Hmmm, why am I so busy? Well, I'm working from 8:00AM - 7:30PM, 3 nights a week, and 8:00AM to 9:30PM, 2 nights a week. I have a Taiwanese girlfriend... cultural Armageddon (wow, I spellt that rite the first tyme!). I'm so not used to this stuff. She hasn't been exposed to Western culture and plays by Taiwanese/Asian rules for dating. Wow, she's fantastic. Whatever she can't do, she's willing to try, I can pick her up with one hand, and she drives me insane... 99% in good ways. Anyways, she's a native Taiwanese, meaning her family was here before the Chinese and the Japanese, living in the mountains. I went to one of her friends' weddings and that was like stepping off the plane at day one. No one spoke Chinese, let alone English... well, most of them spoke some Chinese but mine was much better than theirs. They spoke Taiwanese. Candy's mom doesn't speak Chinese, just a little bit, so going to her mom's house after was interesting... on the good side... her mom thinks my Chinese is great as she may not know the difference.

Candy and I went to JiBen, close to TaiDong on the East coast. We got up early and took a train, rented a bike (motorbike) and as we're whipping down the highway along the mountainside, a Taiwanese lady rides up along side and asks if we need a hotel, etc. I was going around corners, and so was she... about 6 inches from my bike, freaky stuff. She wasn't bothering us, she was talking to Candy (on the back of my bike) about hotels and stuff. Well, she hooked us up in a super hotel with natural hot springs for really cheap, it was fantastic. Fresh air and a fantastic spa. Tin the spa, there were 5 marble hot tubs that had different colored water, different colors for the different herbs. Pink is my new favorite color, Jasmine, mmmmmm.... so relaxing. They had a steam room where the steam jet blasted through a bale fo herbs and just made the place heaven, there were some shower nozzles on the wall to cool off so you didn't even have to leave the steam room. They also had other natural hot springs where it started at one pool and moved down to the next pool, there were ten pools at different temperatures, some had massage stations, these pools were made of stones and were very comfy. There was also a gigantic swimming pool with no one in it... makes sense.

We decided to come back a little earlier the next day and changed our train ticket to a few hours earlier, they had no seats. No problem, in Taiwan, if they have no seats, it only means that you don't get a seat, you can still board the train. We got onto the train and found a "nest" between the second and third cars, we nestles into the little spot between cars where the cars join. I went to the caboose to get something to eat, there was a lady with some lunch boxes, cheap food, edible. After little while, the conductor grabbed me and told me to come to the second car, he had a seat for me, I gave it to Candy. He came back and asked why I was in my "nest" again, I explained that I had given the seat to Candy. He found me another seat with a car full of Buddhist nuns and told me he had gone to Vancouver last summer to drive bus during the transit strike. I promptly asked him who the heck was driving the train!?!?!?! The nuns laughed. He asked me to come to the front of the train and I asked if I could drive. There's not much to a train... scary. There's one throttle lever, a red button, and a green button. Oh, and a pull cord for the horn. Trains don't seem to grant the driver/conductor a sense of control. If something was to come on the tracks, or maybe an oncoming train, I'd really like to be able to swerve, or hit an ejection seat button, or maybe even thrusters on the bottom of the train to jump the other train. I went back and chatted with the nuns and had a fantastic time.

Next post, staff trip to AliShan, complete with Poison Ivy, Water sports, cliffs, bamboo kitchen utensils and beer steins, naked Indian dancing, and not all dancers were Indians.

The Baguette.

I was itchin' for a fixin',
but, instead, I cleaned the kitchen,
'cause there's no baguettes,
'cause there's no baguettes.

Here, the bread is not so nice,
in the land of pork on rice,
but they've got tofu,
but, that just won't do.

The bread is way too sweet,
like a doughnut when you eat,
I'm eating brown beans,
Not ice cream prailenes.

Three bakeries come up bust,
as the French stuff is a must,
an empty city,
what a pity.

They've got some squid ink bread,
the stuff's as black as lead,
but delights from the West,
are sparse and few at best.

French place down in the city,
20 minutes of breathing gritty,
I do not need this smog,
for a yeast infected log.

Sweet bread's a pity.


Yep, had a craving for a brown bean and mayo sandwich, found some brown beans last week.